Last evening I was talking to my mother citing examples of how my ex-colleagues were continuing with their jobs after the birth of their kids - much younger than LG. She asked me who was taking care of the kid while the mothers worked. "In most cases, it's the maids from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. The mothers strive hard to leave work by 6 p.m.", I replied. "Are you ready to leave LG to go back to work?" asked my mother. I surprised myself when I didn't blurt out an instant "yes". Sensing my silence she continued, "It was your decision to quit while we stood by it, respected and were supportive. It is you who has to come to terms with how you want to handle the baby and if you are OK leaving him in the hands of a maid. It's a temperamental thing. You cannot interfere and question every act of the nanny as you do currently expecting everything to be done by the minute, by the hour and most importantly, your way. Such a temperament will provoke them to take advantage of your situation and you will feel helpless than ever before because you ought to work. It's a knack - to handle them. There maybe times when they might not feed the way you did ..all babies in the company of nannies too grow..don't they?", she continued. I knew what she meant.

She wasn't discouraging me; she only spoke things as they were without sugarcoating them. She continued, "You need a change too now that LG has grown up. Sooner than later, he wouldn't need you to be around all day. This is the time to explore other options - see if you want to go back working full time. I suggest you start working part time - either from home or otherwise. See how it goes before taking a full plunge. Diverting your attention elsewhere for a little while during the day will make you look forward to the time you spend with LG. Get someone to look after him for about 3-4 hours to begin with."

That's when it struck me that staying home with kids is a mindset thing. The longer you stay, the more addicted you get to the situation that it takes so much longer to get out of it. It'll be a good two years this September since I quit working. Long enough to lose confidence and get back into the workforce. As I scratch my brains to see what I was good at so that I can apply for a job again, I find it all the more difficult to come up with a satisfying answer. If I don't sound convincing to myself, it's unlikely I would be convincing to my prospective employer. Babies have this about them - the longer you stay with them, the more attached you get about everything they do. This is not to say working moms don't have so much affection. It's just that it's tough to give up your part of their daily routine like feeding them, putting them to sleep, giving a bath to someone else. I feel as if someone is encroaching in my space which was my right till now. Despite how much a toddler troubles his mother and you entertain deserting thoughts at times, you can't hate someone so small so innocent for too long, can you? This is what I call the mindset thing. I have to get over it and I'm struggling hard to find how. In my opinion, it would have probably been much easier on both of us if I had tried this while he was six months old rather at 18 months. Anyways, so long as I don't do it, I will not know how it feels - will I? Maybe I wouldn't miss the routine so much.