It Breaks My Heart to See My Child Cry

There were moments yesterday when I wished I could be away from Li'l General for a week. It must have taken a lot to feel that way towards my child - yes, the same one with whom I have spent sleepless nights through his colickiness, cough/cold, teething, falling down episodes, his feeding troubles over the past two years. There have been rare moments when I have felt so strongly for a LG-free week. This fortnight has been different. Handling the toddler for most part of the day by myself has started draining me. With his clinginess knowing no bounds and demanding to be held for a good part of his waking time, saps my energy physically and mentally. When day after day every breakfast, lunch, and dinner session becomes a tug of war for a relatively non-fussy eating child, I look for reasons that has caused this sudden change in behavior and to understand what's bothering him - if its the school or just a part of his growing up or something someone said or just his health.

Yesterday morning after talking calmly to the lady who runs this playschool advised me to leave him and go as he wailed my heart broke. The crying out method doesn't sit well with me. It's a known cycle of crying followed by throwing up all that he had for breakfast or whichever meal it was. I stood outside on the road under a tree watching the traffic pass by counting every minute anxiously what the kid was up to. When the clock struck 10:30 and it had been 30 minutes, I went by the gate to get him back home. There he appeared in changed clothes sobbing miserably making me feel guilty if what I was doing was right. It's tough to come to terms with the decisions you've made when it involves a child. With The Seniol away from Bangalore, it makes it all the more hard for me as a parent to seek support from the partner and the one other person who loves LG as much as I do. All his tantrums just vanish into thin air when all that LG wants is to be held by me - I can see it in his eyes, doesn't matter if he doesn't talk. The expressive child conveys more than words can ever let me know.

As I got into bed beside him last night, he was blushing in his sleep probably seeing a good dream. That one smile was enough to make my day. All the tiredness of the day just disappeared and I went to bed a happy mother looking forward to a bright day the next morning.